NaijaRyders Osama bin Laden University (OBLU) seeks to instill the fundamentals of terrorism in its students. Whether you want the glorious martyrdom of killing hundreds of infidels in an embassy bombing, or the more personal satisfaction of hunting down a blasphemous author in a mullah-sanctioned fatwa, OBLU can get you where you want go! If you can answer "yes" to even half of the following, a career in terror may be for you! Yes! I want to make a difference! ABOUT USCAMPUSLocated in the magnificently rugged mountains of Afghanistan, OBLU's campus ranks as one of the most beautiful educational settings in the world. Miles of running trails wend their way through the snowy passes. And keeping a sharp eye out for land mines keeps fitness buffs strong in both body and mind! CURRICULUMLong a source of pride for students, the OBLU honor code is strictly enforced. All our students start off with a solid basis in the core areas of modern terrorism. By the end of freshman year, you will know how to: lob stones effectively, burn flags without burning yourself, chant angry slogans for hours thanks to foot-friendly arch inserts, and much, much more! By your junior year, you will have declared a major. You might learn to operate class "c" vehicles such as cars and light trucks. Or you could decide to master the art of docking with American Destroyers on an inflatable boat. If you're an advanced student, you might even get to study at the post-graduate level, trying to harvest the Ebola virus from bloody, dying monkeys with your bare hands! FACULTYDean bin Laden: Dean of School Osama bin Laden is the most universally recognized figure in world terror today. He has successfully brought down the Soviet Empire due to his acclaimed in Afghanistan, and now is continuing his work against the great Satan, America. With a $25 million dollar bounty on his head, Professor bin Laden must be doing something right! TRAVEL OPPORTUNITIES & RECOGNITIONRecent Graduates' Work in New York Received Worldwide Attention!!!Recent graduates have gone to such exotic locales as Kashmir, Chechnya, Tel Aviv and even New York City! What better way to see the world than on a holy mission to destroy it? "I used to just sit around and hate Americans. Now, I get great
personal satisfaction of doing something about it." "I like the idea of going straight to paradise and all I have
to do is get gunned down while killing Americans. Do the math. It's
a no-brainer!" "I used to think making the streets run red with blood was just
hyperbole. Now, I know that with a whole lot of elbow grease, and just
a little bit of Semtex in a truck, it can definitely be done!"
SOCIAL LIFEOf course, OBLU is not just a "terror factory." From volleyball to tetherball, students enjoy a variety of social and enrichment events outside of their daily Jihad duties. Many of the friendships made at school are strong enough to last for all eternity in the hall of martyrs! OBLU Students Also Enjoy These Perks!Graduates receive no-money down loan for all truck or boat purchases. 50% discount on all weapons purchases made at the student store. Free parking. Apply today for Osama bin Laden University. Still unsure? Take our OBLU-sanctioned extension course, "The How-To's of International Terrorism," offered at a Learning Annex near you. Contact our SAARC region representative for more details and admission information. Mullah Omar SO SHOULD I GO TO O.B.LU?Yes yes yes yes, pls go so you get a chance on graduation day to make
one of the most wanted man and 10 most wanted man on FBI's list worldwide.
Even INTERPOL too will have you on their list. Kaii this one is even
better than being a cum laude student. hehehehe....... I called the number and the line was busy. Try it for a semester and drop out, then you can have it on your resume.
You could also brag with it when talking to terrorists, you could often
say, "when I was at bin laden University, we used to .........."
and stuff like that. Yes, go...and when you are mysterisiously injured in a "training
accident" I won't be the one to tell your loved ones. Reporting from OBLU, main campusIt's been a few days since I arrived here. Everybody has been very nice to us. The orientation was interesting, we saw several large craters created by American bombs (the Infidels). I even got a chance to fire 10 rounds from a rusty AK-47 (left over from the last war). I tell you it's very exciting being in the class of 2003 at OBLU. Bye for now (they tell me the American planes are coming back for
another round of target practice). hehehe. Chet my son i miss u everyday. i go to your room just to smell your clothes. sob sob remember what i taught u to be a good boy. study hard and one day u will reap the fruits of your labor. Your father sends his greetings P.S. i sent u another pack of underwia today. Thank you mom. The American planes have passed. They missed me hehehe (although I think they got Osama's third cousin on his mama's side). Anywayz, please stop sending those razor blades. Instead send me those small size combs, you know for brushing my new beard. And send more adiagbon (aka pomade). Afghan winter is bad on the skin. And yes, send more American dollars (yes, even tho Americas are infidels their money is still good for many things). Oops, the planes have doubled-back. Damn! Gotta go. My son i have sent u the stuff u need but Honey i can only manage $400
for now. The idiagbon was sent to u from Mama Caro, you remember her
now, the one that you and her daughter used to play in the sand togeda
when u were small. if that doesnt jog ya memory that one that used to
beat u in the playground. Did i tell u she has grown into a beautiful
young chikito. infact, i think u will like her very much. when are u
coming home on Spring break. It's okay mama. $400 can probably buy us a new AK-47 and perhaps 1 or 2 fragmentation grenade. In fact, I do remember that yeye girl. But my friend Ahmed said she's turned into a bitter old maid. Oh oh, Osama is addressing the students. He says we hit one of the
infidel helicopters. Yes, we got them.... Oh, looks like it was a false
alarm. We only hit a big bird! Financial Aid and ScholarshipsDear folks, wetin u dey talk sef, u no sabi dat Ramadan done don oh?... maybe una
no dey get plenti chop because of US embargo oh! Well, in the day we don't eat but in the night there is lots of food.
The great Satan is the cause of our hunger. Thats what Mallam Omar told
us last nite. kweshon. this university is open to women too, or just for men? nothing
was mentioned in the brochure about that matter, and I am very eager
to contribute to my community (lol) so make una tell me if I go able
for join oh! Well before Sheik Abdul said women will cause the men to sin but Dean
Osama is welcoming women now. He said something bout they are less suspect
and that they are his greatest fans. Yes I am a great fan...there is something about Osama's gaze...kind
of reminds me of Segmond...you sure they are not related? Nna Bros na
for tell me when the next semester dey begin make a join kwik kwik! yes. It will be lovely to see you ladies around. I am hoping to get
a scholarship bcos if not I will have to withdraw after this semester.
We have started UZI guns and those things are expensive. Dean Osama
said he doesn't have enuff money to sponsor us since his funds have
been freezed around the world. Even the Sultan of Brunei has gone bankrupt.
He was the major benefactor of our school. I just finished filling out my application. I hope to be one of the
chosen ones. If you are amongst the chosen ones, further instructions will be communicated
to you in a "special dream". OH yes, The dream. How can I forget it. I saw my instructions very
clearly. Tank God for my Joeseph skills. As far as getting scholarships...can't you ask the Honorable Saddam
Hussein as he has not been getting that much attention, he might have
some money hidden somewhere?! I am sure he would be more than willing
to contribute to the Great Cause. As far as scholarship goes, I heard of a great scholarship fund being
sponsored by a lot of the rich Middle Easten Families. The only requirement
is that to earn the scholarship you have to be willing to perform certain
acts. Not only is this open to women men are also welcomed to apply. You are so right Somu...they say that these nomads people are very
generous and hospitable...what is theirs is given freely to guests...as
long as one reciprocates. Financial aid, Idi Amin has been hiding out in Saudi Arabia since he
was kicked out of Uganda, I am sure he will be willing to contribute
some funds to this cause. Gaining Admission to OBLUChet, Congrats OH! I see you dey move up de ladder kwik kwik...u be
dey train na now u don be Dean of Admissions...you na smart bobo oh! That was my uncle Chet Sladin. I am Chet, Jnr. You can wonder how I
got my admission Hey!!! Even in the Middle East, dem dey do things African wey...make
uself help me get connections because I want join bad bad oh! If you pay me in kind (), I can whisper into my uncle's ears for you. We are willing to do anything for the cause. uself! u no dey shame...Muslim women no dey talk about dis stuff openly...na
for ask me in private oh...but as I said I am willing to do anything
for the Cause, and for my brother in arms! Ok then, Somuadina and Hazel please report to my cave, right behind
my uncle's palatial cave. Somuadina come at 10pm. Hazel report for "duty"
at 12midnight. And oh please, both you should pack overnight bags Chet, I would think that my interview with you should be longer than
2hr. I don't think 2hrs is enough time so demonstrate all the skills
I will be bringing to this our great cause. Chet, don't mind Somu... she has forgotten that I was the first to
ask for an inside connection... if she needs more time then I insist
on coming first...also because I am part East-African (and you know
the University has training camps there) I would be a more valuable
asset than Somu... So let us have our meeting first...I promise you
will not regret it (wink). duh! It's 2 hours for just me and you. Then Hazel joins the party at
12midnight. And we go all night long. Oh boy! oh boy!! oh boy!! threesome!!!...and I thought this university
would not be THAT thrilling!!! Alright ladies. Calm down. There's enough Chet to go around Wow. Thanks for your generosity and Kindness. Is there anything else
(besides the overnight bag) that we should bring for this important
interview. Hazel and I have been doing the required exercises and we
are more than ready for anything that you might ask of us. Nothing else is needed You fit leave the overnight bag sef. On second
thots, perhaps a bar or two of PowerBar won't hurt Chet Jnr! Chet Jnr!! Chet Jnr!!! How many times I call you? Haven't
I told you not to mess with our new students anymore? After that 1st
incident involving those 72 virgins, I promise ya mama sey you will
be good. You berra no let me catch you, I dey come your cave to disconnect
that ya intanet. Okay ladies, now that the big bad uncle has found out, you are gonna
have to careful coming tonight. Go around his cave like you are heading
for Osama's cave and then double back when you get to Mullah Omar's
front door. I'll be waiting for you at the corner. The password is "******************************".
To Chet Senior, We have noted the password. We will be there at 12midnight just as
we planned. Looking forward to everything that you have to offer. Praise
be to allah! Copyright 2002 NaijaRyders. Reprint Citation Format Naijaryders, (2002). SHOULD I GO TO O.B.L. UNIVERSITY?: COMMITMENT TO COMMUNITY! West Africa Review: 3, 1. |
