WEST AFRICA REVIEW (2002)
ISSN: 1525-4488
SHOULD I GO TO O.B.L. UNIVERSITY?: COMMITMENT TO COMMUNITY!
| WEST AFRICA REVIEW (2002) ISSN: 1525-4488 SHOULD I GO TO O.B.L. UNIVERSITY?: COMMITMENT TO COMMUNITY! |
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NaijaRyders
Osama bin Laden University (OBLU) seeks to instill the fundamentals of terrorism in its students. Whether you want the glorious martyrdom of killing hundreds of infidels in an embassy bombing, or the more personal satisfaction of hunting down a blasphemous author in a mullah-sanctioned fatwa, OBLU can get you where you want go!
If you can answer "yes" to even half of the following, a career in terror may be for you! Yes!
I want to make a difference!
I can handle a challenge!
I can drive a truck!
I want to wipe that smirk off George Bush's face!
I enjoy waving guns around and firing them into the sky randomly at large rallies!
I look good in a vest filled with explosives!
I want a job that's to die for!
Located in the magnificently rugged mountains of Afghanistan, OBLU's campus ranks as one of the most beautiful educational settings in the world. Miles of running trails wend their way through the snowy passes. And keeping a sharp eye out for land mines keeps fitness buffs strong in both body and mind!
Long a source of pride for students, the OBLU honor code is strictly enforced. All our students start off with a solid basis in the core areas of modern terrorism. By the end of freshman year, you will know how to: lob stones effectively, burn flags without burning yourself, chant angry slogans for hours thanks to foot-friendly arch inserts, and much, much more!
By your junior year, you will have declared a major. You might learn to operate class "c" vehicles such as cars and light trucks. Or you could decide to master the art of docking with American Destroyers on an inflatable boat. If you're an advanced student, you might even get to study at the post-graduate level, trying to harvest the Ebola virus from bloody, dying monkeys with your bare hands!
Dean bin Laden: Dean of School Osama bin Laden is the most universally recognized figure in world terror today. He has successfully brought down the Soviet Empire due to his acclaimed in Afghanistan, and now is continuing his work against the great Satan, America. With a $25 million dollar bounty on his head, Professor bin Laden must be doing something right!
Recent graduates have gone to such exotic locales as Kashmir, Chechnya, Tel Aviv and even New York City! What better way to see the world than on a holy mission to destroy it?
"I used to just sit around and hate Americans. Now, I get great personal
satisfaction of doing something about it."
Junior, Majoring in Car Bombing
"I like the idea of going straight to paradise and all I have to do is
get gunned down while killing Americans. Do the math. It's a no-brainer!"
Senior, Weapons Major
"I used to think making the streets run red with blood was just hyperbole.
Now, I know that with a whole lot of elbow grease, and just a little bit of
Semtex in a truck, it can definitely be done!"
Junior, Chemistry Major
Of course, OBLU is not just a "terror factory." From volleyball to tetherball, students enjoy a variety of social and enrichment events outside of their daily Jihad duties. Many of the friendships made at school are strong enough to last for all eternity in the hall of martyrs!
Graduates receive no-money down loan for all truck or boat purchases. 50% discount on all weapons purchases made at the student store. Free parking.
Apply today for Osama bin Laden University.
Still unsure? Take our OBLU-sanctioned extension course, "The How-To's of International Terrorism," offered at a Learning Annex near you. Contact our SAARC region representative for more details and admission information.
Mullah Omar
Mountain Bunker 436
Kandahar - Afghanistan
Tel: 1600 - 475654
Yes yes yes yes, pls go so you get a chance on graduation day to make one of
the most wanted man and 10 most wanted man on FBI's list worldwide. Even INTERPOL
too will have you on their list. Kaii this one is even better than being a cum
laude student. hehehehe.......
Agent MI-5
I called the number and the line was busy.
Chet
Try it for a semester and drop out, then you can have it on your resume. You
could also brag with it when talking to terrorists, you could often say, "when
I was at bin laden University, we used to .........." and stuff like that.
Anothernaija
Yes, go...and when you are mysterisiously injured in a "training accident"
I won't be the one to tell your loved ones.
onlovin
It's been a few days since I arrived here. Everybody has been very nice to us. The orientation was interesting, we saw several large craters created by American bombs (the Infidels). I even got a chance to fire 10 rounds from a rusty AK-47 (left over from the last war). I tell you it's very exciting being in the class of 2003 at OBLU.
Bye for now (they tell me the American planes are coming back for another
round of target practice).
Chet
hehehe. Chet my son i miss u everyday. i go to your room just to smell your clothes. sob sob remember what i taught u to be a good boy. study hard and one day u will reap the fruits of your labor. Your father sends his greetings
P.S. i sent u another pack of underwia today.
bigmomma
Thank you mom. The American planes have passed. They missed me hehehe (although I think they got Osama's third cousin on his mama's side). Anywayz, please stop sending those razor blades. Instead send me those small size combs, you know for brushing my new beard. And send more adiagbon (aka pomade). Afghan winter is bad on the skin. And yes, send more American dollars (yes, even tho Americas are infidels their money is still good for many things).
Oops, the planes have doubled-back. Damn! Gotta go.
Your son,
Chet
My son i have sent u the stuff u need but Honey i can only manage $400 for
now. The idiagbon was sent to u from Mama Caro, you remember her now, the one
that you and her daughter used to play in the sand togeda when u were small.
if that doesnt jog ya memory that one that used to beat u in the playground.
Did i tell u she has grown into a beautiful young chikito. infact, i think u
will like her very much. when are u coming home on Spring break.
bigmomma
It's okay mama. $400 can probably buy us a new AK-47 and perhaps 1 or 2 fragmentation grenade. In fact, I do remember that yeye girl. But my friend Ahmed said she's turned into a bitter old maid.
Oh oh, Osama is addressing the students. He says we hit one of the infidel
helicopters. Yes, we got them.... Oh, looks like it was a false alarm. We only
hit a big bird!
Chet
P.S. Dean Osama says no Spring break until American bombing cease. Abeg, helep
us talk to Uncle Bush.
Dear folks,
After receiving my brochure. I decided to enroll in the Osma Bin Laden college.
Right now, I am in Arabic classes. There are a number of Nigerians here from
Zamfara state. I don't really like this place too much bcos there is not enuff
food for me. They keep on telling us that we should learn how to fast like Mohammed
did.
Nna Bros
wetin u dey talk sef, u no sabi dat Ramadan done don oh?... maybe una no dey
get plenti chop because of US embargo oh!
Hazel
Well, in the day we don't eat but in the night there is lots of food. The great
Satan is the cause of our hunger. Thats what Mallam Omar told us last nite.
Nna Bros
kweshon. this university is open to women too, or just for men? nothing was
mentioned in the brochure about that matter, and I am very eager to contribute
to my community (lol) so make una tell me if I go able for join oh!
Hazel
Well before Sheik Abdul said women will cause the men to sin but Dean Osama
is welcoming women now. He said something bout they are less suspect and that
they are his greatest fans.
Nna Bros
Yes I am a great fan...there is something about Osama's gaze...kind of reminds
me of Segmond...you sure they are not related? Nna Bros na for tell me when
the next semester dey begin make a join kwik kwik!
Hazel
yes. It will be lovely to see you ladies around. I am hoping to get a scholarship
bcos if not I will have to withdraw after this semester. We have started UZI
guns and those things are expensive. Dean Osama said he doesn't have enuff money
to sponsor us since his funds have been freezed around the world. Even the Sultan
of Brunei has gone bankrupt. He was the major benefactor of our school.
Nna Bros
I just finished filling out my application. I hope to be one of the chosen
ones.
somuadina
If you are amongst the chosen ones, further instructions will be communicated
to you in a "special dream".
Chet,
Dean of Admissions
Osama Bin Ladin University
OH yes, The dream. How can I forget it. I saw my instructions very clearly.
Tank God for my Joeseph skills.
Nna Bros
As far as getting scholarships...can't you ask the Honorable Saddam Hussein
as he has not been getting that much attention, he might have some money hidden
somewhere?! I am sure he would be more than willing to contribute to the Great
Cause.
Hazel
As far as scholarship goes, I heard of a great scholarship fund being sponsored
by a lot of the rich Middle Easten Families. The only requirement is that to
earn the scholarship you have to be willing to perform certain acts. Not only
is this open to women men are also welcomed to apply.
somuadina
You are so right Somu...they say that these nomads people are very generous
and hospitable...what is theirs is given freely to guests...as long as one reciprocates.
Hazel
Financial aid, Idi Amin has been hiding out in Saudi Arabia since he was kicked
out of Uganda, I am sure he will be willing to contribute some funds to this
cause.
Hazel
Chet, Congrats OH! I see you dey move up de ladder kwik kwik...u be dey train
na now u don be Dean of Admissions...you na smart bobo oh!
Hazel
That was my uncle Chet Sladin. I am Chet, Jnr. You can wonder how I got my
admission
Chet Jnr
Hey!!! Even in the Middle East, dem dey do things African wey...make uself
help me get connections because I want join bad bad oh!
Hazel
If you pay me in kind (), I can whisper into my uncle's ears for you.
Chet, Jnr
We are willing to do anything for the cause.
somuadina
uself! u no dey shame...Muslim women no dey talk about dis stuff openly...na
for ask me in private oh...but as I said I am willing to do anything for the
Cause, and for my brother in arms!
Hazel
Ok then, Somuadina and Hazel please report to my cave, right behind my uncle's
palatial cave. Somuadina come at 10pm. Hazel report for "duty" at
12midnight. And oh please, both you should pack overnight bags
Chet, Jnr
Chet, I would think that my interview with you should be longer than 2hr. I
don't think 2hrs is enough time so demonstrate all the skills I will be bringing
to this our great cause.
somuadina
Chet, don't mind Somu... she has forgotten that I was the first to ask for
an inside connection... if she needs more time then I insist on coming first...also
because I am part East-African (and you know the University has training camps
there) I would be a more valuable asset than Somu... So let us have our meeting
first...I promise you will not regret it (wink).
Hazel
duh! It's 2 hours for just me and you. Then Hazel joins the party at 12midnight.
And we go all night long.
Chet, Jnr
Oh boy! oh boy!! oh boy!! threesome!!!...and I thought this university would
not be THAT thrilling!!!
Hazel
Alright ladies. Calm down. There's enough Chet to go around
Chet, Jnr
Wow. Thanks for your generosity and Kindness. Is there anything else (besides
the overnight bag) that we should bring for this important interview. Hazel
and I have been doing the required exercises and we are more than ready for
anything that you might ask of us.
somuadina
Nothing else is needed You fit leave the overnight bag sef. On second thots,
perhaps a bar or two of PowerBar won't hurt
Chet, Jnr
Chet Jnr! Chet Jnr!! Chet Jnr!!! How many times I call you? Haven't I told
you not to mess with our new students anymore? After that 1st incident involving
those 72 virgins, I promise ya mama sey you will be good. You berra no let me
catch you, I dey come your cave to disconnect that ya intanet.
Chet Sladin,
Dean of Admissions
Okay ladies, now that the big bad uncle has found out, you are gonna have to
careful coming tonight. Go around his cave like you are heading for Osama's
cave and then double back when you get to Mullah Omar's front door. I'll be
waiting for you at the corner. The password is "******************************".
Chet, Jnr
To Chet Senior,
With all due respect sir do not blame your son, he is very loyal to the Cause
and wants to ensure that the university only recruits the best students. I am
sure you have no doubts about that... After all, it is for the Will of Allah
that we are doing this!
Hazel
We have noted the password. We will be there at 12midnight just as we planned.
Looking forward to everything that you have to offer. Praise be to allah!
somuadina
Copyright 2002 NaijaRyders.
Reprint Citation Format
Naijaryders, (2002). SHOULD I GO TO O.B.L. UNIVERSITY?: COMMITMENT TO COMMUNITY! West Africa Review: 3, 1.